How ISO 9001 Could Have Saved the Colosseum (And Why Your Business Is the Modern Arena)

A lone gladiator stands in the arena—ready for battle but missing a quality manual. Even ancient Rome needed ISO 9

Imagine if Russell Crowe’s Maximus had stormed into the Colosseum armed not with a sword and shield, but with an ISO 9001 manual and a nonconformance report (NCR).

Gladiator 2: The Quality Rebellion would have been a very different movie—and frankly, a lot less bloody.

Let’s explore how ISO 9001 principles could have transformed ancient Rome’s most chaotic workplace into a beacon of continual improvement.

Scene 1: The Emperor’s Gap Analysis

The Problem: Emperor Commodus is losing money because gladiators keep dying mid-show.

The Colosseum’s “quality control” consists of thumbs-up/thumbs-down feedback from drunk senators.

ISO 9001 Fix:

• Clause 4.1 (Understanding the Organization): Document stakeholder needs (spoiler: the crowd wants drama and reusable gladiators).

• Clause 6.2 (Quality Objectives): “Reduce gladiator fatality rate by 50% before the next lunar eclipse.”

• Clause 8.7 (Control of Nonconforming Outputs): A dead gladiator? That’s an NCR. Investigate root causes: Was the lion trained properly? Did the sword meet ASTM standards?

Twist: Commodus hires a “Quality Centurion” who forces lions to wear “Risk Assessment” armor and replaces the imperial thumbs-down signal with a corrective action request (CAR).

Scene 2: The Supplier Management Debacle

The Problem: Maximus’s sword keeps breaking mid-fight. The blacksmith insists, “I told you verbally it was subpar steel!”

ISO 9001 Fix:

• Clause 8.4 (External Provider Control): A purchase order specifying: “Swords must meet ASTM-GL4D3R standards. Third-party testing required. No exceptions.”

• Clause 8.5.2 (Traceability): Engrave each sword with a unique ID to track which blacksmith to feed to the lions when it fails.

Humorous Aside: The Colosseum’s new “Supplier Scorecard” rates blacksmiths on:

1. Sword durability

2. On-time delivery

3. Drama factor (decorative engravings)

4. Likelihood of bribing quality inspectors

Scene 3: The Arena’s Customer Satisfaction Crisis

The Problem: Patricians complain that battles lack “consistent excitement.” One week it’s a boring lion vs. gladiator duel; the next, an over-the-top chariot explosion.

ISO 9001 Fix:

• Clause 9.1.2 (Customer Satisfaction): Distribute surveys: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to recommend this massacre to a friend?”

• Clause 10.3 (Continual Improvement): Implement a pre-control chart to ensure optimal bloodshed levels:

  • Green Zone: 2-3 deaths per show

  • Yellow Zone: 4-5 deaths (triggering a process review)

  • Red Zone: 6+ deaths (audit required)

Training Montage: Gladiators now attend mandatory “Root Cause Analysis” workshops.

Maximus learns the 5 Whys:

1. Why did you die? → Poor footwork

2. Why poor footwork? → Untrained new recruit

3. Why untrained recruit? → HR hired a baker instead of a soldier

4. Why a baker? → The HR manager is also a baker

5. Why? → Rome’s nepotism problem (CAR issued to Senate)

Scene 4: The Audit That Saved Rome

The Climax: An ISO auditor arrives for the Colosseum’s recertification. Findings include:

• Major Nonconformity: No documented procedure for lion feeding schedules (resulting in hangry predators).

• Minor Nonconformity: Gladiator helmets lack safety certifications.

• Opportunity for Improvement: Replace human messengers with carrier pigeons for faster CAR delivery.

Resolution: The Colosseum implements Cornerstone Engineering’s Gladiator Gap Analysis Package™, featuring:

• Customized battle procedure templates

• Lion performance metrics

• A “Gladitorial Excellence” internal auditor training program

Epilogue: Your Business Is the Modern Colosseum

While your workplace (hopefully) lacks lions and swords, the ISO 9001 principles remain the same:

• Document or die: Verbal agreements won’t save you from liability tigers.

• Measure what matters: If Russell Crowe tracked his sword’s tensile strength, he’d have survived the sequel.

• Audit like your life depends on it: Because your business’s survival does.

At Cornerstone Engineering, Training, and Consulting LLC, we help companies implement ISO 9001 systems that are more reliable than a gladiator’s plot armor. Our services include:

• Customized system development (no bread-makers in HR)

• Gap analysis (find your “lions” before they bite)

• Internal auditor training (turn your team into quality Spartacus warriors)

Don’t let your business become a pre-ISO Colosseum. Visit www.ce-q.com today—because even in 2024, “What we do in life echoes in eternity… especially if it’s properly documented.”

Debra Hampton

P.S. Disclaimer: No historical Romans were harmed in the making of this blog post.

Modern businesses without ISO 9001? Less certain.